How a Missed Yoga Class (and a Few Hemorrhoids) Taught Me About Flow, Presence, and Letting Go
The Gift of an Unexpected Sunrise
The yoga teacher was M.I.A. at the 5:45am class this morning. Door remained locked, lights remained off, chill in the air remained intact as 5:50, 5:55 rolled around.
Slightly perturbed and definitely half-asleep, I wondered - what next?
Do I drive 20 minutes back home and crawl into the organic cotton cloud that is my bed?
Do I launch into a spontaneous adventure?
Opting to head towards home, I notice the stunning early morning light - it’s golden promise of newness so different from rest-of-the-day light.
…Eureka! Ellsworth Hill! A friend of mine had mentioned that it’s a spectacular vista from which to watch the sun rise. That’s where I’ll go!
Nature, the Enlightener
…oh wow. She wasn’t lying.
Gentle gradients of blue bring a quiet depth to the mountain range spread out before me. Mt Tecumsah, the Welsh-Dickey range, and Mt. Tripyramid blossom their granite hearts towards space. Rays of light slice through the near-freezing air, sparse trees and flittering birds celebrate the glorious new day. Old white paint peels off an un-hung gate and gray clouds are the foil and exaltation to the star that is our sun - the star that is our everything!
I sit with the everything sun and enjoy staring at it with my naked eyes.
Rising, rising. Birdsong, traffic song, rock wall. Peace.
Lulled into a state of calm presence, I close my eyes and meditate. In wash the waves of goodness. Of clearness. Of nowhere-else-to-be-ness. A hushed thrill, a deep gratitude. Staying with the sensations and sounds for 30 minutes or so, I return to the world refreshed and brimming with musings…
What We (Actually) Want
Forcing life has a similar energy to beating oneself up over feeling bad… it is futile, and can cause harm. Forcing life won’t make the things that are meant for you come sooner, and can actually delay their arrival.
Beating oneself up over feeling bad (or ashamed, or guilty, or jealous, or enraged, or overwhelmed with grief) won’t make you feel better. More than likely, it will dig you into a deeper hole instead of elevating you out of it.
How you do things is everything. The present is all we have, cliche as it is. The key to liberation and peace is here now - it is only ever now.
We think our goals and dreams are what we want, but they are merely representations of things we think will bring us truth, peace, wholeness and presence.
They are gift boxes wrapped in colorful paper and ribbons and bows and are hollow inside.
How We Can Get There
The experience of truth, peace, wholeness and presence aren’t achieved through striving; they are achieved through opening.
The ability to be open in body and mind is a core tenant in Qigong. The function of qigong is to increase the flow of life force energy by cultivating and balancing relaxation and concentration. The balance between relaxation and concentration is a sweet spot that is synonymous with being open.
Relaxation is essential - which is why striving often strangles what we want most. Striving often comes with an unproductive urgency/rush that can cause a blindness in the present. We sacrifice our “how” (and therefore “now”) in attempts to secure our ideal future (which will remain out of reach if we continue to fumble the “how” of our “now.”)
In these moments, we are “missing the point.”
In addition to relaxation, concentration is another crucial skill to master in order to access higher states of consciousness. When you are present, you are paying attention to what is here. What is happening in your body. What is happening around your body. What is happening in your mind. If you are unable to concentrate, there’s no chance you can pay attention to all these phenomena, especially for a prolonged period of time.
Without an ability to pay attention to what IS, it is impossible to see and feel the higher dimensions of love and the perfection of Nature and Life.
Another key to mastering the instruments of the body and mind is the ability to let things go. When we let things go, we let energy flow. We ARE energy and vibration. Our most essential nature is to move and flow! As a smooth flowing conduit, we are united with Nature. We have no end or beginning and we are nourished and sustained wonderfully by the life force energy that animates all of Life.
The Hemorrhoids Curveball
I’ve had hemorrhoids on and off for the past few years. (Took a turn there, but stay with me!) Recently in the shower, I received the message that I need to relax more. Actually I think it was “you need to chill the f*ck out.” verbatim. By doing so, says this wise messenger, my hemorrhoids will go away.
Fast forward to this moment, sitting in my brown-gray 2012 Honda CRV on the side of Ellsworth Hill Rd with the sun rising over the mountains, and I receive yet another related message.
“You can become constipated with ideas. And feelings. And beliefs. If there are things inside of you that you are not allowing to move - they can cause constipation.”
“Allowing them to move” can refer to lots of things… but when you boil it down, any form of expression initiates movement.
Talking about things, singing about them, writing about them, acknowledging them in some fashion.
Letting ideas/concepts/thoughts (especially those that hold a lot of energetic charge) go unacknowledged/unexpressed is a sure fire way to create blockages of energy. They become burdensome. They fester.
They cause great internal pressure. So much energy with nowhere to go!
So there it is. I’ve been mentally constipated. Holding on to things for far too long, things I care about. Things that want to flow and move and mingle with the world! (And you guessed it - this withholding also contributes to my hemorrhoids.)
What caused me to hold on to these things in the first place? Oh just the usual players…
the fear of rejection
a deep-rooted subconscious sense of unworthiness
the fear of sharing the truth of my heart (and being completely ignored)
Letting the Lies Fall Away
But it doesn’t matter if I’m ignored. And I am certainly worthy. And it’s okay if I’m rejected. I’d rather be ignored and rejected while free and flowing (and without hemorrhoids) than “safe” in a cave of isolation, stagnation and discomfort.
Thank you sunrise. Thank you Nature. Thank you unfathomably intelligent body and mind and brilliant soul.
You have the capacity to get what you want. What you REALLY want. It is wired into you. You are built for it. And of course, we are in it together, reminding each other, guiding each other, and guided and loved by Divine Intelligence.
I think I owe that yoga teacher a hug! Isn’t it funny how sometimes we can feel let down by life, only to be uplifted into a higher revelation in the not-so-distant future?
(I must admit, I did NOT foresee that my first blog post would be featuring my hemorrhoids but, hey! Some things are best left as surprises!)
Stay curious and wonderful, friend!
Yours in navigating, exploring and enjoying the Great Mystery,
<3 Kat
